Thoughts on baby #4

Honestly, I cannot believe I am only days away from meeting our last little addition to our family.
Note:: Yes, he is wearing an Elsa dress and necklace put on by Sassy. lol. Gotta love having a big sister with no younger sisters to dress. 😉
Let’s be real here, residency life [my hubby is an orthopedic surgery resident in case I haven’t mentioned that] is a bit on the crazy side especially when chasing and entertaining 3 other kids. It has definitely made pregnancy FLY by. The biggest game changer is of course having an 18 month old–my closest gap and that HAS been affecting the craziness a bit I will say. I was talking to my mom on the phone the other day and she mentioned how she was sad she forgot to get me newborn diapers when she was visiting 6 weeks ago. Truthfully, that was the FIRST time I even thought about having newborn diapers ready for the baby. That is how crazy life has been. 🙂 Is that horrible to admit? Ha. That being said, it has been a blessing staying so busy also in that time has been flying which has been good since my big, wobbling, pregnant body has needed  time to fly by because I am SERIOUSLY trunky over here.
These last few days before baby [starting TODAY in fact] I vowed to myself and my kids to have NO kids over {yup, I’m an awesome and cool mom}, no extra anything [outside the normal extras of sports and preparing for my daughter’s birthday party this week], and I am just going to allow myself to NEST. I need to do all the things I have been wanting to do and needing, but just haven’t made it a priority; honestly, I guess I haven’t been making me a priority lately [typical mom problems, right?] and I have been feeling it and feel behind in my preparations-not to mention I keep getting random sicknesses I need to get over if possible pre baby-currently a never ending cold/sore throat {but that’ way better than the stomach bug I had last weekend}. Anyway, we’ve done lots of fun extra stuff, but not the mandatory baby prep, house dejunking final phases, blowing up new pictures I want printed, packing my bag, all those fulfilling pre-baby sorts of things that bring peacefulness to a momma about to pop. Just what I need in fact…. One of those things is blogging, I’ve missed it, and have needed to sort my thoughts and journal and allow myself some think time….so here I am sharing my unpreparedness with you all. Ha! But, it’s oh so healthy for me to write and process. 🙂
So, if you are wondering where I will be this last week and half I will be most likely AT HOME, the grocery store, and/or deep cleaning my house so I can feel properly prepared. Let’ s just hope I don’t go into labor before I’ve done any of those things. Ha! Don’t worry, I have NEVER gone early….and I’m guessing this baby won’t change that–but, you never know.

As I sit and think about what another babe means in our family, I have MIXED emotions this time around. Here are my current hodge podge of feelings this time around::

  1. A lot of EXCITEMENT and FULFILLMENT. Like I mentioned in previous posts, I never felt complete with 3 [I felt MORE complete, but just not committed or accepting of the fact that I was done] and I already feel that closure and fulfillment before this baby has arrived knowing he is coming into our family and knowing my family will now be complete. I feel it. And, it feels amazing. He brings comfort and fulfillment to my heart already. I know he was meant to come into our family, even if it is kind of at a crazy and unexpected time. 🙂 Speaking of, I also have tinges of….

  2. ANXIETY. I am not a super anxious person by nature. I am the…. “it’s all good/low key vibe” in our household. However, the timing of this babe in the thick of residency on tough rotations [the mister started general surgery for the month of May and is then on Trauma when school gets out next month for June] has given even me some tinges of fear and a little of….”holy crap, this is going to be interesting!” sorts of feelings. Ha! Don’t worry, I know we will survive and thrive-it just is a different dynamic when Daddy is overwhelmed and gone a lot. Have I mentioned how amazing my man is lately going through so many different stress ranges and learning so many new things as an intern? Anyway, that being said, I still am affected emotionally when he seems stressed even though I’m not the one going through it….in fact, that I feel like is the BIGGEST challenge of residency. It isn’t how long he is gone on tough rotations {although obviously I miss him and I’d prefer him around-but thankfully I’m a pretty independent person}, the toughest thing for ME personally is seeing the burden and stress on his shoulders and feeling helpless in helping him. It affects me as the one who tries to smooth everything over. There isn’t really anything I can do besides have food on the table ready for him [which during pregnancy has been kind of a struggle-lol].  Anyway {residency ramble} so, when I think about a baby screaming all night with him sleepless and working around the clock it kicks up my anxiety a few notches. But, it will all work out-and I know we got this! My acid reflux will be gone and chips and salsa will save my sleepless self who is attempting to not skip a beat. And, thankfully we have a guest bed in the baby’s room…..that will also help so hopefully the mister’s sleep won’t be affected and I’ll have a comfy place to sleep nearby.

  3.  INTRIGUE. Ha! I don’t know how to describe this last emotion except by intrigue and/or curiousity. I am curious and intrigued HOW my current baby {P} will handle and respond to his new baby brother. Both my older kiddos knew and understood that their momma was going to have a baby and that they were going to be a big brother or a big sister. P, on the other hand, has NO IDEA. N-O-N-E! He is well taught and points to my belly and says “ba-by,” yet he doesn’t really get it or know what’s coming his way. He just thinks his mom is getting round or fat I suppose. ha! But, as you can see in the picture-he doesn’t seem to mind one bit. 🙂

4.  GRATITUDE. Amidst my doubts and anxiety this baby [which I normally have none honestly because we just planned the others and I normally am overdue for a baby by the time we start trying for each of the others], I still feel overwhelmingly grateful and excited to meet this boy so eager and ready to be in our family {at least I assume he is eager, coming so close and unexpectedly to our mix}. I feel like amidst my inadequacies and limited strength I have felt lately as a mom in this phase of pregnancy and residency lately, that God wouldn’t give me more than I was able to handle and I am so grateful that He trusts me with another in the middle of all of that and sees what is best for our family. He knows the end from the beginning and I know that which quiets my doubts.

I know He is in control and I feel lucky that that also means for us another baby to love and dote on…

another baby to give me goosebumps as I hold and gaze at in awe that I helped to create and give life to,

another baby for me to teach, hold, sing to, love on and learn from,

another baby to watch Daddy work his magic on and snuggle and make smile bigger than anyone else does,

another baby for big sister to spoil, snuggle, protect and make giggle like only Sassy can,

another baby to watch J proudly play with [sometimes a little haphazardly ] and show his cute quirks to his friends,

a new baby to teach P how to be a big brother and to complete our little family,

another baby to be remind each of us how we are  supposed to be–endlessly loving, free of judgment, pure and gentle.

I am nothing but blessed and canNOT wait to get this baby OUT OF MY BELLY and into my ARMS.
Well, thanks for reading my rant and listening if you made it this far, go eat some chips an salsa. 🙂 Now to some DEEP cleaning from our last minute family of 5 hurrah we did on a whim….my house is upside down, and as mentioned it is my TOP priority to take care of me and my to do list this last bit.
So, here we go. It’s a new day, a new month [how I love May–me and Sassy’s birthday month, Mother’s Day, AND now soon to be this babe’s birthday], and a new week.
Let’s do this! How I love Mondays.
11 more days…… let the countdown continue…..

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